The Pain of Un-Belonging
Why Exclusion and Ostracization Hurts
What does it mean to belong and what are the costs of un-belonging?
These are the questions currently flooding my brain as I place my ear to the data of my latest research study and listen to the over 150 survivors of workplace abuse tell their stories. The plotlines are eerily similar despite participants (all anonymous) spanning 13 countries, 25 states, and representing 27 industries including healthcare, education, engineering, law, marketing, wellness, and publishing.
As a narrative inquiry researcher, I walk into a topic through story. Listening to the experiences of diverse groups of people provides insight into the plot structure of a specified phenomenon, in this case, workplace bullying, which I define as “an attempt to denigrate a person’s character by dismantling her reputation through gossip, manipulation, sabotage, exclusion, ostracization, and gaslighting with the ultimate goal of pushing her out” (Suskind, 2023).
Though my previous studies examined workplace abuse through a more generalized lens, my present research asked participants to reflect specifically upon how workplace abuse impacted their belonging to their work community and, more importantly, themselves. Across stories, plotlines of exclusion and ostracization emerged as the primary players. Both apt tools for combat, for transgressions of omission, are far harder to name and claim than acts of commission, making exclusion and ostracization the perfect silent predators (Cushman, 2006).
Targets of workplace abuse, though manifold, share common characteristics. They tend to be innovative, well-liked, top performers, who excel at creative problem-solving. In organizations with strict group norms, where uniformity in behavior and thought is required for membership, creatives are often targeted.
Exclusion and ostracization are go-to strategies for the keepers of the status quo, for they are impactful blueprints for enforcing compliance, sending the message, “If you want to be part of this community - you must think and behave like us” (Williams et al. 2010). In fact, research shows that extremist groups promise belonging and threaten exclusion, as potent tactics for convincing individuals to relinquish their authentic selves and submit, even when such submission is in stark contrast to individuals’ ethical guideposts (Williams et al., 2000).
So, what is the impact of un-belonging?
Unbelonging begins like a whisper in the form of exclusion, a quieter and nebulous version of ostracization, leaving the targets unsure whether the transgressions are targeted or purposeful. It may look like their lunch group lunching without them, their close colleagues they typically shared a barrage of daily texts rendered mute, or having their invites canceled to regularly attended meetings. Despite the sea change, they make the most gracious assumptions about the most graceless behaviors until the artillery launches and it is impossible to deny they are at war.
Ostracization, on the other hand, is void of subtleties, no more behind-the-back slights. Now, the claws are out, and the snubbings transpire in a public forum. These attacks send a definitive message to bystanders, that walking beside the target cements them in clear enemy territory; therefore, both friends and foes alike scatter, often unfortunately seeking shelter in the enemy’s barracks.
This excommunication creates a visceral wounding, that is not simply in the target’s head, for ostracization activates the same brain regions associated with physical pain (Williams, 2001). Such shunning causes anxiety, depression, gastrointestinal issues, migraine, sleep deprivation, and suicidal ideations (Suskind, 2023). In fact, studies show the pain associated with exclusion and ostracization exceeds that of harassment and verbal abuse (Eisenberger et al., 2001).
In closing, most of the participants in my current research study shared that it was not the bully’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and sabotage that caused the lethal cutting, but the deafening silence that ensued when close colleagues averted their eyes in the face of cruelty, rendering the target invisible, or perhaps worse, unworthy of seeing.
References
Connelly, F. M., & Clandinin, D. J. (1990). Stories of experience and narrative inquiry. Educational Researcher, 19(5), 2–14. doi:10.3102/0013189x019005002
Clandinin, D. J., & Connelly, F. M. (2000). Narrative inquiry: Experience and story in qualitative research. Jossey-Bass Publishers.
Cushman, F., Young, L., & Hauser, M. (2006). The role of conscious reasoning and intuition in moral judgment testing three principles of harm. Psychological Science, 17,1082–1089. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01834.x
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
Hogg, M. A., Meehan, C., & Farquharson, J. (2010). The solace of radicalism: Self-uncertainty and group identification in the face of threat. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 1061–1066. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2010.05.005
O’Reilly, J., Robinson, S. L., Banki, S., & Berdahl, J. (2014). Is negative attention better than no attention? The comparative effects of ostracism and harassment at work. Organization Science, 26, 774–793. doi:10.1287/orsc.2014.0900
Suskind, D. (2023). Workplace bullying: Finding your way to big tent belonging. Rowman and Littlefield.
Williams, K. D. (2001). Ostracism: The power of silence. Guilford Press. https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&scope=site&db=nlebk&db=nlabk&AN=110081
Williams, K. D., Cheung, C. K., & Choi, W. (2000). Cyberostracism: Effects of being ignored over the internet. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79, 748–762. doi:10.1037//0022-3514.79.5.748
Williams, K. D., & Nida, S. A. (2014). Ostracism and public policy. Policy Insights from the Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 1(1), 38–45. https://doi.org/10.1177/2372732214549753
This week, I am reading:
Favorite Quote
“The women had a story to tell, even if the world wasn't quite yet ready to hear it, and their story began with three simple words. We were there.” ~ Kristin Hannah
From the Publisher: Workplace Bullying: Finding Your Way to Big Tent Belonging is a lifeline for people who have been targets of workplace abuse and are desperately trying to make sense of the trauma. It is a resource for partners trying to help their loved ones heal. And, it is a toolkit for managers and industry leaders inspiring to create inclusive cultures by proactively addressing toxic behaviors that stagnate innovation, fracture work communities, and drive out top employees. To simplify a complex topic and make the book readable and engaging for a wide audience, the author uses the elements of story to tell the tale of workplace bullying, zooming in on the characters, settings, and plotlines of cultures that allow and/or encourage workplace abuse.
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I love hearing from readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to say hello or suggest topics for me to write about next ~ dorothysuskind@gmail.com.