The Myth of Closure: Navigating Through Workplace Abuse
Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash
Workplace bullying is an invisible cyclone, sucking you up into the turbulent winds, and dropping you down into an altered reality, dizzied and confused. Inside this new space, allies become enemies, accomplishments are redacted, and plotlines are rewritten into a story you don’t quite recognize. Inside this revision, you experience a great loss, mourning your old life and career stability. Suddenly, your belief in a benevolent world transforms into a malevolent fairytale.
The nonsensical nature of it all results in what therapist and researcher Pauline Boss (2012) describes as “ambiguous loss.” Boss (2021) defines ambiguous loss as “a loss that remains unclear and without official verification or immediate resolution, which may never be achieved.”
For survivors of workplace abuse, the bullying equates to a type of death, absent the body, in which one’s daily work life - filled with positive interactions, intriguing projects, and attainable goals - is replaced with gossip, exclusion, and gaslighting.
However, unlike a physical death, workplace bullying leaves the target in a state of suspension, knowing there has been a passing but not quite sure how to define the loss.
At first, the ambiguity of it all renders the target immobile, frozen, and unable to act as questions swirl around her head, such as:
Why are my close colleagues suddenly ignoring me?
How can I be removed from projects I have directed for years?
Was I purposely taken off the invite list to today’s board meeting, or is this all just a horrible misunderstanding?
The ambiguity then intensifies as colleagues shirk off direct inquiries about what is transpiring and progressively distance themselves until no strands of connections remain.
Slowly and then, with abrupt speed, the target is othered from her work community and often loses her job. Flummoxed by the injustice, with no apologies forthcoming, she attempts to untangle the knots, but instead of smoothing the strands, she is left with a jumble of snarls, with no clear beginning or end.
It is often inside this moment that the deep despondency sets in, a cocktail of shame, bewilderment, and disorientation, leaving the victim of workplace bullying dangling over a mountain, with no clear future to fall into.
Now, fully immersed in ambiguous loss, targets of workplace abuse are left hanging, not knowing what or who to grab onto for support and understanding. However, there are strategies targets can use to navigate the inhumanity, helping to give shape to the nebulosity. Below is a six-step process I use when supporting survivors of workplace abuse as they attempt to turn the page to a new chapter:
#1 Know the Plotlines:
Those who suffer a defined loss, like the death of a spouse, are often familiar with the grieving process as defined by Kübler-Ross (1993): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Such understanding provides legitimacy for the rollercoaster of emotions and offers up expectations of what feelings might arise next. Workplace bullying, however, is often an unknown and misunderstood phenomenon, leaving victims clueless about the typical plot cycle. However, by understanding the trajectory, targets are better able to define, ground, and normalize their own experiences inside the experiences of others. As I have discussed in previous articles, workplace abuse cases typically unfold across 6 acts: Target identification; jealousy and battle plans; the precipitating event; underground battles; escalating attacks and mobbing; and resignation, cover-ups, and recovery.
#2 Identify the Players:
Though each workplace bullying case is unique, the players are predictable. There is the Dragon who takes on the role of the bully, targeting a Creative or victim, typically for one of three reasons: Productivity that shakes the status quo, a difference that challenges the hierarchy, or whistleblowing that calls out bad behavior. To carry out the attacks and enable the Dragon to keep her claws clean, she enlists Shapeshifters who do her bidding. There are also the Community Builders, benevolent in their intentions, but whose “go along to get along” disposition prevents them from taking a stand against injustices. Finally, there are those who direct the organization, the ones the Dragon reports to. Such positions tend to be occupied by either a Figurehead, who is vested in keeping up appearances and thus dismisses the Creative’s requests for help, or a Leader, a rare unicorn, who listens to the Creative and addresses the Dragon’s toxic behavior head-on.
#3 Construct a Timeline:
Once targets of workplace abuse have familiarized themselves with the plotlines and identified the players in their own bullying experience, it is useful to construct a timeline of specific events. Though typical memories are stored chronologically as a story, making for easy and logical recall, traumatic memories reside inside the amygdala, filed as sensory images. For this reason, when triggered, victims of workplace bullying often experience intense flashbacks, causing a full-body reaction. By plotting traumatic events out on a traditional timeline, victims are able to ground their experiences, regaining a sense of control over what happened and allowing them to reclaim their narrative, helping to give shape to the loss (Van der Kolk, 2015).
#4 Name What Was Violated:
Often, it is not the bully’s actions that result in the greatest trauma for the victim but the violation of beliefs or expectations about the larger world. When talking to survivors of workplace abuse, breaches include a sense of fair play, a commitment to the common good, loyalty to the organization’s mission, and compassionate treatment of each other. By identifying what violations most pierced the victim’s soul, they are better able to define and hence process the loss (Denborough, 2014).
#5 Discern What You Must Disconnect From to Turn the Page:
By working through steps 1 through 4, targets of workplace bullying are able to transform a situation that once seemed ambiguous into a concrete experience defined by specific players and events. Through this process of identification, targets are invited to decipher what specific relationships or expectations they must abandon, or sever ties with, in order to freely move forward, such as relationships with former colleagues or expectations of a specific career path. To solidify the disconnection, the target can conduct a Ceremony of Rebirth, in which she writes or vocalizes her intent to officially conclude this chapter, opening her up to new possibilities on the other side of the loss (Martinez, 2019).
#6 Conduct a Ritual:
Western cultures often lack the ceremonial experiences that mark pivotal transitions. Such rituals invite participants to provide shape and celebration to ambiguous passages such as starting or ending a relationship, entering a new stage of life, or concluding a challenge. However, research shows that engaging in rituals increases participants’ feelings of control and lessens their grief. The nature of the ritual is not as important as the labeling of it as such and then engaging in the act ceremoniously. Examples of rituals for navigating workplace abuse include writing a letter to the bully and burning it as a symbolic representation of the severing of the relationship or planting a tree in the backyard to represent a new beginning. The power of the ritual is not in the act itself but in labeling it as a ritual and thus embedding the act with meaning (Norton & Gino, 2014)
In closing, as Boss (1999, 2021) reminds us, closure is a myth, a fantastical bow placed upon a traumatic experience in an attempt to neaten it up and send it on its way. But the truth is, the trauma of workplace abuse is sticky, remaining part of us for the duration. So the question becomes not how do we “get over” or “erase” the experience but how do we carry it in a manageable way, perhaps shifting the burden from our heart’s center to our backpack, present but no longer directing our narrative (Frankl, 1963). Such a reframe, allows us to validate what happened to us and draw upon the parts of the experience that made us more empathetic, creative, and caring - integrating all of our parts into a more holistic and evolved self.
Work Cited:
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Boss, P. (2021). The myth of closure. W. W. Norton & Company.
Boss, P., & Carnes, D. (2012). The myth of closure. Family Process, 51(4), 456–69. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12005
Denborough, D. (2014). Retelling the stories of our lives: Everyday narrative therapy to draw inspiration and transform experience. W.W. Norton & Company.
Frankl, V. (1963). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York, NY: Washington Square.
Kübler-Ross, E. (1993). On Death and Dying. New York: Collier Books.
Martinez, M. (2019). Mind body-self: How longevity is culturally learned and the cause of heath are inherited. Carlsbad, California: Hay House Inc.
Norton, M. I., & Gino, F. (2014). Rituals alleviate grieving for loved ones, lovers, and lotteries. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(1), 266–272. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031772.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma. Penguin Books.
Two Read
This week I read:
I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy
“An explosive debut…insightful and incisive, heartbreaking and raw, McCurdy’s narrative reveals a strong woman who triumphs over unimaginable pressure to emerge whole on the other side. Fans will be rapt.” ~ Publishers Weekly
Joan is Okay by Weike Wang
“A deeply felt portrait . . . With gimlet-eyed observation laced with darkly biting wit, Weike Wang masterfully probes the existential uncertainty of being other in America.” ~ Celeste Ng, author of Little Fires Everywhere
Participate in the Study:
I recently just wrapped up a four-year, Narrative Inquiry study in which I collected the stories of over 200 workplace bullying survivors ranging in age from 18 to 65, spanning 10 countries, 35 states, and representative of 36 industries. In addition, I conducted over 50 follow-up interviews via Zoom (lasting 1-3 hours) with targets of workplace abuse, as well as parents of adult children and partners who have lost their loved ones to suicide as a direct result of workplace bullying. That research will be shared in an upcoming book to be released in July.
One of my primary findings is that the devastating fallout of workplace abuse can largely be attributed to the loss of the target’s belonging to her work community and her sense of belonging to herself, a result of the character assassination. Consequently, this revocation of belonging leads to significant and long-term consequences, including but not limited to job loss, gastrointestinal issues, high blood pressure, heart trouble, anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and at times suicide.
To deepen my understanding of the impact of workplace bullying on belonging, I have launched a follow-up study. If you would like to participate anonymously in this study, please click this LINK. I have my university’s IRB approval to do this work.
Reach Out With Questions and Ideas:
I love hearing from readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to say hello, ask questions, or suggest topics for me to write about next ~ dorothysuskind@gmail.com.