Stopping the Story: Five Words with the Power to Eliminate Workplace Gossip
Photo by Ryan Johns on Unsplash
Storying is a verb. It moves people to act based on what they read or hear. Storying is a central chapter in our evolution, where survival depended on passing critical information amongst community members, guiding them on where to hunt, seek shelter, and find communion. In this sense, the act of storying is sacred, the truth and accuracy of the narrative determining our ability to endure and prosper (Sugiyama, 2001).
Storying is magnetic, drawing us into the action and out of the mundane of our everyday existence. There is often joy and power associated with storying, a promised escape, chapters exchanged between authors and readers, transporting us to another world and circumstance. Often such stories, whether told orally or through books, have endearing characters that teach us lessons, offer cautionary tales, or transport us to new lands, allowing our troubles to dissipate. Inside this type of storying space, we enter knowing the rules, expecting fantastical tales, not truths (Coe, Aiken, Palmer, 2006).
Gossip, however, hijacks the sacredness of storying and exploits its magnetic power, bending and breaking the truth but presenting the plotlines as facts. Such tellings tend to scandalize the main character, situating her within salacious narratives that are presented as reality but, in actuality, rest in fantasy land.
In this regard, the gossiper adopts the role of the master manipulator, drawing on people’s evolutionary tendency to rely on storying as a tool for survival and purposely conflating it with human’s natural propensity to be drawn in by seductive plotlines. However, in this gossip scenario, the teller is a false prophet, presenting fiction as fact.
The outcome of these gossip stories is three-fold.
First, the gossiper, taking on the role of chief storyteller, experiences a momentary sense of power, knowing the plotlines she is spinning directly impact how others think, feel, and act about the main character.
Second, the listeners are made to feel important, like they have been invited into an exclusive club where insider knowledge is the main currency.
Third, the main character of the gossip narrative is pushed on stage to perform in a play she never auditioned for and forced to take on a role she has no interest in playing. In this space, she is “othered,” ejected out of the circle of the work community, and labeled an outsider.
Due to human’s innate need to belong, the gossip story serves as a type of contagion, quickly infecting all who participate. In this complex dynamic, the gossiper’s sense of belonging escalates as she draws others towards her through the telling of tales. This positive feedback encourages her to gossip more, honing her skills over time. The listeners, too, feel an increased level of belonging as they become privy to what is presented as secret information for important people. This thrill of belonging starts to supersede listeners' devotion to decency as they drop their moral shield and join the group in denigrating another.
As the gossip loop picks up speed, wrapping more people into the cyclone, the listeners get a front-row seat of the pain associated with unbelonging as they watch the main character become dehumanized and excluded. Such a treacherous sight makes them draw closer to the gossiper, attempting to ensure they won’t be targeted next. As a result, the main character’s extradition is solidified as others start to repeat the false tales, knowing it is central to their survival.
Soon this gossip cycle becomes an ingrained part of the workplace culture, as bad behavior is rewarded and truth tellers are ostracized. But, such cultural transformations are not one-man shows but require buy-in and participation. And there lies the antidote, the secret living inside five simple words that have the power to stop the spread and allow victims of false narratives to reclaim their story and regain their inherent human dignity.
What are those five words?
“That is not my experience.”
To begin, you can keep it simple, just responding with the five power words is enough.
This is what it looks like in practice:
The office gossip says the new teacher in third grade is unqualified. You respond, “That is not my experience.”
The office gossip says Tina is a terrible person to partner with on projects. You share, “That is not my experience.”
Then, as you become more comfortable stopping the gossip story, you can follow up those five words with additional details that transform you from a bystander to an upstander.
It may sound like this:
The office gossip corners you in the lunchroom to share how the group lost its latest account because Doris bombed the presentation to clients. You respond, “That is not my experience. Doris is an excellent presenter.”
The office gossip whispers plans for afternoon drinks but tells you not to tell Trevor, because he thinks he is “too good” to hang out after work with colleagues. You retort, “That is not my experience. Trevor just went out to drinks with us last week.”
The office gossip peeks in your office and says Sheila got a promotion because she takes credit for other people’s work. You share, “That is not my experience. Sheila does exceptional work on her own. She earned that promotion fair and square.”
Those simple five words, “That is not my experience,” take the stickiness out of the gossip story, allowing the plotlines to fall straight to the floor, shattering into a million pieces and stopping the spread (Dzurec, 2020). Moreover, once people realize you won’t be a carrier of the contagion, they stop trying to stick it on you. Over time, your devotion to truth and dignity stands as an example to others as they realize that true belonging emerges from teamwork, support, and compassionate care, not the denigration of another through false narratives from a dictator storyteller.
Consequently, as the rules of belonging start to shift, the gossip plotlines are edited out and replaced with narratives guided by truth-telling and the humane and dignified treatment of others.
So, this week try it out. When a colleague uses storying as a weapon instead of a bridge, rewrite the rules of belonging at work by politely responding, “That is not my experience.”
Work Cited
Coe, K., Aiken, N., & Palmer, C. (2006). Once upon a time: Ancestors and the evolutionary significance of stories. Anthropological Forum, 16(1), 21–40.
Dzurec, L. C. (2020). Examining 'sticky' storytelling and moral claims as the essence of workplace bullying. Nursing Outlook, 68(5), 647–656. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.outlook.2020.05.007
Sugiyama, M. S. (2001). Narrative theory and function: Why evolution matters. Philosophy and Literature, 25(2), 233–250.
Two Read
This week I read:
On Earth, We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong
"On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous will be described-rightly as luminous, shattering, urgent, necessary. But the word I keep circling back to is raw: that's how powerful the emotions here are." ~ Celeste Ng
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
“Yet the quality of Ms. Roy's narration is so extraordinary - at once so morally strenuous and so imaginatively supple - that the reader remains enthralled all the way through to its agonizing finish.” ~ New York Times
Participate in the Study
I recently just wrapped up a four-year, Narrative Inquiry study in which I collected the stories of over 200 workplace bullying survivors ranging in age from 18 to 65, spanning 10 countries, 35 states, and representative of 36 industries. In addition, I conducted over 50 follow-up interviews via Zoom (lasting 1-3 hours) with targets of workplace abuse, as well as parents of adult children and partners who have lost their loved ones to suicide as a direct result of workplace bullying. That research will be shared in an upcoming book to be released in July.
One of my primary findings is that the devastating fallout of workplace abuse can largely be attributed to the loss of the target’s belonging to her work community and her sense of belonging to herself, a result of the character assassination. Consequently, this revocation of belonging leads to significant and long-term consequences, including but not limited to job loss, gastrointestinal issues, high blood pressure, heart trouble, anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and at times suicide.
To deepen my understanding of the impact of workplace bullying on belonging, I have launched a follow-up study. If you would like to participate anonymously in this study, please click this LINK. I have my university’s IRB approval to do this work.
Reach Out With Questions and Ideas
I love hearing from readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to say hello, ask questions, or suggest topics for me to write about next ~ dorothysuskind@gmail.com.