Giving Shape to Ambiguous Loss
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Workplace bullying is a nebulous phenomenon, grabbing onto its victims and sinking them into a dark and sticky pit of despair before they recognize they have fallen. Because currently, workplace bullying is legal, outside of protective class, within the United States, unlike most other industrialized nations, workplace abuse continues to sit outside the corporate conversation. Thus, when someone becomes a target of bullying - which I define as an attempt to denigrate a person’s character by dismantling her reputation through gossip, manipulation, sabotage, exclusion, ostracization, and gaslighting with the ultimate goal of pushing her out of a job - there is often a strong and immediate attempt to minimize and / or gaslight the target’s experience in order to escape culpability. Moreover, due to bystanders’ fear of being targeted next if they go to the victim’s aid, it is not usual for colleagues to turn a blind eye to abusive behavior, sometimes even joining in on the attacks.
Such a dynamic leaves the targets of workplace bullying alone and defenseless inside a storyline the organization insists doesn’t exist. This experience causes victims of workplace abuse to drown in ambiguous loss, which therapist and researcher Pauline Boss (2021) describes as “a loss that remains unclear and without official verification or immediate resolution, which may never be achieved.”
To exist in a toxic environment, in which the trauma inflicted is shapeless, paralyzes the target’s ability to react and move forward. Below are nine philosophical stances in the form of coping strategies, targets can use to provide a definitive form to the loss.
1. What Does It Mean to You?
When supporting individuals who are suffering ambiguous loss, whether it is the fallout of workplace abuse or the complexity of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s, it is helpful to inquire, “What does this mean to you?” That question, whether asked to yourself or another, honors each person’s unique experience with the trauma and invites them to define the plotlines and direct the paths forward. For example, the pain may reside inside the loss of a career you have dedicated a decade of school and experience to developing, or it may rest in the betrayal of colleagues you considered dear friends before they joined in on the torment. Or it could be a more existential loss, like violating the ethical rules of fair play (Boss, 1999, 2018, 2021).
2. Redefine the Boundaries of the Loss
Survivors of workplace abuse often subscribe to a belief in a benevolent world, trusting when given the opportunity, people do the right thing and that the world tilts towards justice. However, when those who are supposed to help hinder - and leaders who are supposed to lead look the other way - such assumptions, as Janoff-Bulman (2010) describes, are shattered. Though despite the natural propensity to lose faith in the goodness of the world, it is helpful to boundary the experience (Boss, 2018). It may sound something like this, “These four people at work, who I confided in and trusted had my back, broke that trust and broke our relationship, but I still have every reason to believe, based on the grander scheme of my experiences and friendships, these four people are exceptions. I will continue to have faith in the goodness of others despite this isolated incident. I just got mixed up with some bad eggs, but the world is still quite good.”
3. Embrace the Paradox of Yes-And Thinking
As humans, we naturally subscribe to a dualistic reality, in which things are either this way or that way, but they certainly aren’t both ways. Such a mindset, though understandable, requires us to pick a camp or a team and then swear our unwavering loyalty, despite the value of viewing the situation through another lens. However, the test of true intelligence, as F. Scott Fitzgerald (1936) explains, “is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” In other words, you may say to yourself, “It is true that I am exceptional at my job and have garnered great success at this organization over the last decade. It is also true that I am losing my job because my success threatens my manager.” Such a mind frame invites survivors of workplace bullying to maintain their identity, which is often partly defined by their excellence, despite the present circumstances, therefore allowing them to write their own narratives instead of relinquishing their plotlines to a bully with dubious intent.
4. Redefine Justice and Hope
Survivors of workplace bullying often feel an overwhelming need for justice. It is only natural to want the people who sullied your name and hijacked your career to answer for their behavior. Unfortunately, my own research and that of others, show that most perpetrators are not punished, Human Resources seldom comes to the victim’s defense, those in leadership positions with the power to impact change look the other way, and most victims eventually lose their job as a direct result of the bullying. With this information in hand, it is easy to become despondent, for despondency is a natural reaction in the face of great injustice; however, instead of placing your mental well-being in the hands of those who hurt you, it is useful to redefine what you hope for and rewrite your definition of justice. Inside this new narrative, you may stop hoping to make your boss like you and appreciate your work and instead hope for a new job at a new organization where you can do the work you believe in. Justice, too, may look different. It likely won’t be the bully getting reprimanded or losing her job, but it may look like you falling into a new career or a new circle of friends that will enable you to find joy and meet your life’s purpose in a way not possible in your past reality (Denborough, 2014).
5. Answer the Question: What is Saving Your Life Right Now?
Barbara Brown Taylor (2008) - author, teacher, and Episcopal priest - recounts a story, in her book An Altar in the World: A Memoir of Discovery, about an invitation she received to preach at a church in Alabama. When inquiring what she should preach about, the wise priest replied, “Come tell us what is saving your life now.” These are wise words indeed. Reflecting on our “lifesavers” provides us with a toolbox for peace and recovery. For me, writing, reading, running, and animals save my life. These are the things I turn to and fall into when I need a peaceful space free of judgment and despair. For you, it may be gardening or yoga, the what is not important, it just matters that you name your salvation.
In closing, workplace abuse tosses its targets into the black hole of trauma, a bottomless pit whose darkness prevents them from grabbing onto the edges, so they can steady and pull themselves out of the abyss. In response to the nebulousness of it all, targets can transform into survivors when they take back their power to write their own plotlines, dictate the ending on their own terms, and reflect inwardly about the corners of the world that give them peace and protection. Remember, the person with the power is the person who writes the story. You are the sole writer of your draft and the master of your narrative.
References
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard
University Press.
Boss, P. (2018). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss.
W.W. Norton & Company.
Boss, P. (2021). The myth of closure. W. W. Norton & Company.
Denborough, D. (2014). Retelling the stories of our lives: Everyday narrative therapy to
draw inspiration and transform experience. W.W. Norton & Company.
Fitzgerald, S. (1936). The crack-up: A desolately frank document from one for whom the salt of life has lost its savor. Esquire.
Janoff-Bulman, R. (2010). Shattered Assumptions: Towards a new psychology of trauma. Simon and Schuster.
Taylor, B. B. (2008). An altar in the world: A memoir of discovery(1st ed.). HarperOne.
Two Read
This week I read:
Altar to the World: A Geography of Faith by Barbara Brown Taylor
“Taylor is one of those rare people who truly can see the holy in everything. . . . Savor this book.” — Publishers Weekly
Look at Me by Jennifer Egan
"Look At Me is original, bold, haunting in the range and depth of its psychological acuity. Egan is a thrilling, beautiful writer." ~ John Burnham Schwartz, author of Reservation Road
Participate in the Study
I recently just wrapped up a four-year, Narrative Inquiry study in which I collected the stories of over 200 workplace bullying survivors ranging in age from 18 to 65, spanning 10 countries, 35 states, and representative of 36 industries. In addition, I conducted over 50 follow-up interviews via Zoom (lasting 1-3 hours) with targets of workplace abuse, as well as parents of adult children and partners who have lost their loved ones to suicide as a direct result of workplace bullying. That research will be shared in an upcoming book to be released in July.
One of my primary findings is that the devastating fallout of workplace abuse can largely be attributed to the loss of the target’s belonging to her work community and her sense of belonging to herself, a result of the character assassination. Consequently, this revocation of belonging leads to significant and long-term consequences, including but not limited to job loss, gastrointestinal issues, high blood pressure, heart trouble, anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and at times suicide.
To deepen my understanding of the impact of workplace bullying on belonging, I have launched a follow-up study. If you would like to participate anonymously in this study, please click this LINK. I have my university’s IRB approval to do this work.
Reach Out With Questions and Ideas
I love hearing from readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to say hello, ask questions, or suggest topics for me to write about next ~ dorothysuskind@gmail.com.