Ghosting: Invisibility as a Form of Workplace Abuse

Photo by Mahdi Bafande on Unsplash

Meet Samee

Samee is a superstar, quick-witted with an innovative mindset. For decades, she was the top producer in a marketing company, securing accounts that eluded larger rival firms. Then Tonya joined the team, desperate to launch her own star even if it meant checking her integrity and the rules of fair play at the door. Within the first month of Tonya’s arrival, she pinpointed Samee as competition. In response, Tonya launched a gossip campaign, took credit for Samee’s ideas, and left Samee off of important emails and meeting invites. Slowly, Samee’s insider status was relegated to outsider, and colleagues she once referred to as her adhoc family stopped inviting her to afternoon drinks, failed to return her phone calls, and refused to collaborate with her on projects. Two months following Tonya’s arrival, the ostracization was in full-swing, driving Samee to quit. Upon her departure, colleagues she welcomed to her house for holidays and went away with for long weekends, declined all of her calls and texts, never to be heard from again, leaving Samee with a deep sense of loss and betrayal. The ghosting was complete.

Ghosting Defined 

“Ghosting represents a low-level caring and non-compassionate strategy initiators use to indirectly end communication” (LeFebvre, 2017). To ghost someone is to kill contact without warning or explanation, leaving the aggrieved party to fill in the plot holes of why they got ditched (LeFebvre, Rasner, & Allen, 2020). In the research, the term ghosting is most often used in reference to dating, but ghosting is also a strategy bullies frequently employ toward the end of the workplace abuse cycle, right before the target gets officially pushed out the door. 

Workplace bullying requires silence and silos to maximize its effectiveness. Therefore, bullies will often require their underlings to join them in the ghosting, cutting the targets off from their work community and relegating them to dark corners. Such tactics serve to strip targets of their dignity and establish them as untouchables. 

Breadcrumbing, an intersecting term and another concept often used in reference to dating, is another effective strategy in the bully’s toolbox. Breadcrumbing refers to the act of toying with another’s emotions by purposefully stringing them along with no intention of commitment or fair play (Navarro, Larrañaga, Yubero, & Víllora, 2020). Breadcrumbing, in some ways, is more destructive than ghosting, for it decenters and gaslights targets, leaving them questioning their professional standing, friendships, and reality.

For example, a bully boss may swing by Laurie’s office on Tuesday, offering praise for her hard work and preparation, and then on the day of the big presentation, move the meeting up without notice and claim Laurie’s ideas as her own. Such tactics make it impossible for targets to accurately assess their boss’s character and intentions, leading to heightened anxiety as they await their boss’s next covert attack. 

What It Feels Like to Be Ghosted 

To purposefully “other” another by rendering her invisible shatters the target’s inherited human right to belong to a community, develop a healthy level of self-esteem, exercise a reasonable level of control over the future, and enjoy a meaningful existence. The act of being ostracized activates the same regions in the brain as physical pain, reminding us that punches hurt, words wound, and silence debilitates (Williams, 2009).

The pain of ghosting, in part, is due to the ambiguous loss suffered by the target. Boss (2021) defines ambiguous loss as “a loss that remains unclear and without official verification or immediate resolution, which may never be achieved.” Ambiguous losses can be physical, such as when a soldier goes missing in action during combat, or psychological, like when a beloved partner’s mental capacities slip away as a result of Alzheimer’s. 

Ghosting in the workplace, however, is a double fist punch in which the ambiguous loss is both physical and psychological in nature. For example, colleagues physically shun the target, leaving her to eat alone in the cafeteria and work in solitaire on large-scale projects. However, in conjunction with the complete ostracization, co-workers, the targets once considered close confidants, sever ties with no apologies nor explanation, often amplifying the hurt by joining in on the attacks. The result is a loss of physical interactions and emotional support, leaving the target in a suspended state, sentenced to solitary confinement having never stood trial (Freedman, Powell, Le, & Williams, 2019). Such behavior, especially from people the target trusted and cared about, creates a type of morale wounding, an injury incurred when another person’s behavior is in radical opposition to one’s own code of compassionate conduct and ethics (Litz, Stein, Delaney, Lebowitz, Nash, Silva, & Maguen, 2009).

Responses to Ghosting

Ghosting begins with exclusion, escalates to ostracization, and culminates in a complete invisibility and erasure. When the push-out process begins, targets spend an inordinate amount of time attempting to make sense of the nonsensical, constructing a story of why they were cut out. Researchers call this type of narrative building, “uncertainty reduction” (LeFebvre, & Fan, 2020). This process grows out of our evolutionary need to understand how people think and process information so that we can better predict their future behaviors. Ghosting, however, defies the expectations we assign to the workplace, breaking the rules of professionalism and ethical decision-making.

Since targets of workplace abuse tend to be top performers who subscribe to a high code of ethics, when the ghosting begins, they often look inward, blaming themselves, deducing if they just worked harder, longer, and smarter, then surely they could salvage the relationship and be seen again. When such efforts go bust, shattering their belief in themselves and in the existence of a benevolent world, trauma moves in (Janoff-Bulman, 1992). In fact, the term trauma is derived from the Greek word meaning “to rupture or dismantle” (Manda, 2015).

Recovering From Ghosting 

When evaluating how individuals respond to the sudden disintegration of a relationship, researchers find reactions are in part due to our philosophical beliefs, describing them in terms of destiny versus growth. Those with a destiny lens tend to believe that relationships are either meant to be or not. In contrast, those with a growth lens believe relationships evolve over time and are impacted by our willingness to put in the work and adapt. A destiny lens takes our power away, while a growth lens expands our options by putting us in the driver’s seat (Chen, Dewall, Poon, & Chen, 2012).

Applying these frameworks to workplace abuse, however, is less of an either-or mind frame and more steps in an evolution. For example, once a target has been ghosted, her first reaction, and rightly so, is often one of complete despair, believing this is a static or destiny situation that is impossible to resolve. This reaction is reasonable and in many many ways accurate, for unfortunately, once the bullying cycle is underway, it is highly unlikely the trajectory will be reversed. 

However, all is not lost, and growth is still possible, but it will likely come not in the transformation of circumstances or people but in the metamorphosis of self. For though it is unlikely the colleagues the target trusted and cared for will grow a backbone and stand up to the oppressor, the target herself can learn how to excavate her own power and start a healing journey.

Though the path to restoring happiness and well-being is winding, lacking a definitive map, those who have reached the other side have had some luck with the following:

1. Connect with true friends. During a ghosting, targets are made to feel unworthy and unseen. Surrounding themselves with people strong and compassionate enough to embrace them amidst the storm has been shown to ease the pain (Chen, Dewall, Poon, & Chen, 2012).

2. Tell the story. So much of trauma is stored in the senses instead of on the mind’s easily accessible and logical timeline. When targets are ghosted, their plotlines are erased, and they are deemed insignificant. Writing out the story of the abuse assists targets in meaning-making and empowers them to reclaim their identity on the page (White, 2011). 

3. Mourn the losses. To ghost someone casts them outside the community walls, inflicting a metaphorical death. Such an act is unconscionable, resulting in great moral injury, and like other types of wounds, deaths, and losses - it must be acknowledged and mourned. Therefore, it is essential that targets name the expectations and ethical standards that were obliterated and then grieve the passing (Manda, 2015). 

4. Restore dignity by teaching others. To deem targets’ personhood unworthy of seeing and responding to is an attempt to strip them of their basic human dignity. Bullies and accomplices should not have that power. Part of the healing process is for targets to recognize their inherent dignity. To do this work, it is helpful for targets to reflect back on the ghosting and the events leading up to the attempted erasure, and recognize, name, and celebrate the strength, goodness, and fortitude they managed to exhibit despite the attacks. To further the healing process, it is helpful for targets to reach out and find cases and spaces where they can comfort and uplift others who have been abused (Manda, 2015). Often, true healing does not come as a result of apologies, which are seldom forthcoming in workplace bullying, but in targets’ abilities to use their pain and suffering as tools to ease the pain and suffering of others, for it is true, that inside unfettered giving we receive the greatest of gifts. 

In closing, bullies bully in large part because they fear insignificance. In order to bolster their own self-worth and feel seen, they opt for making others invisible instead of putting in the work to rise through the merit of hard work, collaboration, and care. The tactic of ghosting the competition and instructing others to join in on the erasure is the ultimate cancellation. Targets reclaim the upper hand when they realize nobody has the right to push delete on their accomplishments and personhood. Healing rests in boldly telling their story, refusing to be silenced, and then clearing a place at the microphone for others to step forward and speak.

References

Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press. 

Boss, P. (2021). The myth of closure. W. W. Norton & Company.

Chen, Z., Dewall, C. N., Poon, K.-T., & Chen, E.-W. (2012). When destiny hurts: Implicit theories of relationships moderate aggressive responses to ostracism. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48, 1029–1036. 

Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2019). Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(3), 905–924. 

Janoff-Bulman, R. (1992). Shattered assumptions: Towards a new psychology of trauma. Macmillan.

LeFebvre, L. E. (2017). Phantom lovers: Ghosting as a relationship dissolution strategy in the technological age. In N. Punyanunt-Carter & J. S. Wrench (Eds.), Swipe right for love: The impact of social media in modern romantic relationships (pp. 219–236). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

LeFebvre, L. E., & Fan, X. (2020). Ghosted?: navigating strategies for reducing uncertainty and implications surrounding ambiguous loss. Personal Relationships, 27(2), 433–459. 

Litz, B.T., Stein, N., Delaney, E., Lebowitz, L., Nash, W.P., Silva, C. & Maguen, S. (2009). ‘Moral injury and moral repair in war veterans: A preliminary model and intervention strategy’, Clinical Psychology Review 29(8), 695–706.

Manda, C. (2015). Re-authoring life narratives of trauma survivors: spiritual perspective. HTS Theological Studies, 71(2), 01–08. 

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: A preliminary study among adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3).

White, M. (2011).  Narrative practice: Continuing the conversation. Norton.

Wigren, J. (1994). Narrative completion in the treatment of trauma. Psychotherapy, 31(3), 415–423. 

Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A temporal need-threat model. In M. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (pp. 279–314). Academic Press

I have been reading …

1. Invisible Child: Poverty, Survival & Hope in an American City by Andrea Elliott 

   1. “A vivid and devastating story of American inequality.” ~ The New York Times

2. Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing by Anita Moorjani

   1. "I have been deeply and profoundly touched by the contents of this book, and even more so by my personal relationship with Anita Moorjani, who came into my life through a series of Divinely orchestrated coincidences." ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Reach Out With Questions and Ideas

I love hearing from readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to say hello, ask questions, or suggest topics for me to write about next ~ dorothysuskind@gmail.com.